Thoughts From an Anxious Mind

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When everyone else moves on and I’m left crying still. Crying over a decision that I made confidently but that I have told myself upset others. A decision that shouldn’t be a huge deal, but to me it is.  I should feel confident in saying that I simply can’t go or do that because it’s not something that feels right to me.

Sometimes it’s not even about “not feeling right to me”, it’s about upsetting my stomach so bad with stupid anxiety that isn’t stemming from anything logical. And in those moments … I beat myself up after the fact with tears, and thoughts that over analyze that previous situation.

It’s this unreasonable fear called anxiety. Sometimes it can be tamed, other times it is there making my stomach turn bringing tears to my face. Perhaps it’s on high these days as I am not living to the fullest truth and purpose for my soul. The soul knows when things aren’t just so.

If you learn to hear what your emotions tell you, not on the stressful days, or the chaotic days, but rather what your intuition tells you in the calmer moments, then you will live a life that’s freer than ever before.

But a situation occurred. A situation that made me second guess everything. It made me think that I’m silly to live in this world of going in a direction that feels right for me. A path that makes the most sense, no not an easy path, rather the most purposeful path that actually could help my children and others in the process.

When I lived in such a way, or choose to live in such a way, everything starts slowly falling into place. The magic of the universe unfolds in front of my eyes and with it all that is meant to be in my life and my children’s life.

You see, when I just simply trust my feelings, and stop putting what others want or I think others want before my own needs … life is a whole heck of a lot more worth it. So why, my friends, why do I find myself second guessing myself? Why do I hold back from continuing on the path that’s calling me? Why do I make excuses, that a harmful person once made me believe to be true?

Why … why out of all the years of following my intuition, did just a few years destroy the trust I had in myself? Why do I beat myself up still to this day for those choices that made me ignore my intuition and dull my shine to nearly a burnt out flame?

Why, my friends, why can’t I just say enough is enough and just live a life the way I know to be right in my heart? I need to do this. I need this for me. I need to find the strength to do it and just live as if I would have prior to 2015 … when will I get back there? Because right now? All I can say is that it hurts. It hurts to cry about anxiety that I know sometimes isn’t reality. Anxiety that’s rearing its ugly head over there for that situation when in reality it’s this other situation that’s slowly pulling me down … again.

I must find the strength to rise up again. The strength to know what’s meant for me and to let go of what’s not. Only then, will I slowly feel like pieces of me are finally falling back into place wiser, stronger, and more confident than ever before.

Only then.   For now, I am going to try to stop beating myself up because I can’t handle something. I admit other people I know seem so confident in their choice to say yes or no. Perhaps I must re-read The Best Yes to get a grasp on my life again and to live more confidently in the way that I know is meant for me to live. I know it helped before to calm me and help me see clearly …. and feel a little more at ease.

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